Blade-M

Hey all,

Checking in again. I think I might start writing again soon.
Seems I'm closing a rather large chapter in my life now, and it might be a good time to spew some emotion into words.

After four and half long years, my fiancee and I have called it quits. I still love her, but it's just not working and nothing I've tried seems to make a difference...
We've gone in the same circles for the last two(ish) years and it's time to break the chain. I just want to see her happy like she once was, before she became as cynical and pessimistic as I am.
Sadly the only way she can have a chance at that is without me.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with our puppies, we may take one each or she might take them both. I won't pretend that this doesn't suck, but it doesn't hurt like it has when I've almost lost her before.
I guess a part of me has known for a while that we'd almost ran our course, I've just not been grown up enough to admit it and set her free.

Please just be happy, that's all I want.

I could go on but it would be pointless to say the same things over or elaborate into more detail.

I guess my life kind of sucks right now, with all the other things my insomnia is being a huge pain in my ass again, hit 100 hours awake earlier today... That's a new record for me.
One of my housemates is moving out, my ex will be leaving the house too and in February my little brother is probably moving back to NSW with our parents.
I'm surrounded by people but I feel constantly alone.

Sigh.

Blade.

Hey all,
Been a while. Hope all is well with you guys.

So most of you know I've always had trouble sleeping, but lately it's been really bad.

I'm on day 11 with an average of 1.5ish hours of sleep a night (as much a a pathetic and broken 4 hours one night and as little as 0 others)
On the night I managed the 4 hours it was broken and I felt worse than the day before, I also paid by getting less than 1.5 hours for then next 3 nights.
Yesterday on day 10, I hit some hallucinations and the day before that I crashed as soon as I got home from work, but awoke within 20 minutes due to a fucking horrid and vivid dream.

I don't think this is part of the hallucinations but whilst at work, I plugged headphones into my phone and it starts playing a warped (Distorted off key and just plain weird) version of my ringtone (but my ringtone is cut short and this wasn't), my ringtone is already kind of creepy so this didn't make me feel good. I tried rebooting and it was still doing it, I later found taking it off silent makes it do it through the loud speakers and even later on there's now a freaky childlike laugh that goes with the music (which I don't recall EVER being in it before, so possibly the laugh is a hallucination), furthermore whilst walking around my building I heard warped and distorted voices in the basement, I got out of there pretty quick. I've looked at lights above me and could "see" the electricity coursing through it and most recently I "ashed" my cigarette and watched it all float upwards rather than dropping to the ground like it normally would...

Apparently this counts as a form of psychosis (Yay I'm crazy). The thing is It's blatantly obvious I need sleep, but the events of the hallucinations coupled with the horrible and vivid dream two days ago have made me rather not keen on the idea of sleep.
Due to this friends are trying convince me to get a heavy tranq or sleeping pill, but I'm terrified of falling asleep and having shit go south like it did last time and not being able to wake myself up.

Also worth noting is I must drive home in ! hour and 20 minutes... and really the trips to and from work are the only time I've felt truely awake lately due to the low ass temperatures and having my windows down whilst speeding (I realise the speeding is a bad Idea but In my tired state I have little tolerance for idiots on the road driving really slow or just badly in general).

As horrible and fucked up as this is for me, it's pretty awesome from a scientific standpoint, I had no idea sleep deprivation could get this intense.

Along with the above described things last night I couldn't keep my left eye open and earlier in the night it felt like my brain exploded behind said eye and I lost vision out of it for bouts of an hour or two on and off.

So I'm curious as to whether or not any of you have had this happen?
I'd love to discuss it with someone who has experienced this.

Peace out,
Blade

P.S. I've also been accused of being highly paranoid now (due to the lack of sleep) and some random slut told me to get a labotomy, because I clearly have issues >

SO shit's pretty lame for me right now.
I've lost the love of my life and the past 2.5 years, I'm probably gonna lose my puppy because I can't afford her on my own. I'm slowly dying from pain and inability to do anything and yeah.
I haven't slept properly for over two weeks and haven't eaten for over two days, I'd give anything to bring her back, to show her that I am worth it.

But on the upside it's caused me to start writing again, it's given me some pieces I'm proud of What makes a writer
What makes a writer?
Is it putting pen to paper?
Is it conveying a certain message?
Is it using a certain amount of emotion?
Who has the right to judge who is or is not a writer?
What are the criteria those people use to judge?
Is it merely that you don't use the same style as them?
No, that can't be it.
Maybe it's more of a personal judgement.
You're not the type of person who is a writer.
No, that still doesn't seem to be right.
Maybe it's even more of a personal judgement.
I don't like you, so I won't accept you as one of my own.
That's sounding a little more likely.
Perhaps it's fear.
I am threatened by your talent so I will put you down.
Again a viable option.
Perhaps it is all of these rolled into one.
But I ask YOU what makes someone a writer?
What makes YOU a writer? The end
Have you ever hit a point in life where you realise you're not really worth anything?
Just when you think you have it all figured out, the one person that matters tells you "you're not worth the effort".
When you just want to goto sleep and hopefully never wake up?
I'm at that point, I hate myself for what I did to her.
I wish I'd never met her, I destroyed everything she was, everything I loved.
I don't deserve the air I breath, I don't deserve the life I've been wasting.
I wish she was still the person I fell in love with, not the tortured soul I made her into.
I wish I didn't have the power to do that to people.
I always told her she should have left in the beginning but she wouldn't listen.
She always said she'd never leave, and I believed her.
Then she turned around told me I'm worthless and walked right out on me.
I should have known better than to have faith in someone.
I should have known better than to let my guard down.
But I couldn't help it, she was just so intoxicating to Sorry
I'm often saying sorry for soooo many things.
I often hear "it's ok" "don't worry about it" or "it's fine"
But never do I hear "I forgive you" and apparently 2 of them inspired an amazing piece Your Last ChanceYour Last Chance
I've been hurt before,
But you hurt me the most,
I felt a spark, you felt it too
We started talking a lot; we got to know each other,
My feelings for you began to grow stronger,
I didn't think that I could trust again,
But I felt I could trust you
I opened up to you, I let you in,
I told you I loved you, how much I cared,
You told me you loved me,
You said you felt the same way too,
You became more "open" with me
But the closer we got, the more I learned,
All I knew about you, wasn't completely true,
Secrets were revealed, the picture grew clear,
You weren't the person you made yourself seem to be
But I didn't care, I looked past it,
'Cuz I loved you, and you "loved" me,
You told me I was everything you could want,
Everything you could need,
The kind of person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life
Apparently I wasn't enough for you; or should I say wasn't good enough?
You always told me you wanted to be better,
I believed you really did, I gave you my It's truly amazing the words ring so true in my mind, the emotion is so very raw and well conveyed, the feelings he has been going through for the past 14 months are almost identical to the last 2.5 years of my life.
Read it, swing by his profile and give him some love.

Keep an eye on me, I have decided to start writing more often, to put my thoughts and feelings to paper and hopefully they come out as well as these most recent ones.

Hey guys, ummm if I dissappear again, it's because i'm not doing so well.

My childhood dog that i've had for 16 years got VERY sick over the past week and it turned out he had a brain tumor, we had to have him put down yesterday(technically the day before as it's now 1am)
It was a hard choice to make, he wasn't eating and he could barely stand or do anything, the vet offered us meds for him (with no guarantee they would stop the pain, give him energy or enable him to eat) with knowledge it woudl only extend his life 1 month maximum, I couldn't risk him starving so we made the choice to let him go.
I went in and stayed with him as they did it and it's probably the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, standing there watching as someone (for lack of a better term) kills your best friend of 16 years, you could tell as he slipped away and at least he looked peaceful.

The night before as we made the decision, I was holding him and it's like he knew, he was just laying there with me and then as I started to cry he pushed his head up under my chin and rubbed my face, it was like he was telling me it's ok and not to worry.

After 16 years, I expect to see him places and this is porbably the hardest part.
We go to let our other dog outside and wait a few seconds for him to come before it hits you that he isn't coming, then the same thing happens when you let her in, you call out to him and nothing happens and then you just feel this pain. I sit down on the couch and put my hand under the coffee table he would sit under, I reach and feel for him and he isn't there and again it's just this mass of pain. There's just certain places in the house where he is meant to be, and he's not there nor will he ever be there again.

This isn't the first dog I've lost either but it's most certainly the hardest.
I can barely sleep (less than usual) and I'm not hungry, if I choose to eat anyway I then feel sick, the night of the day we had it done, I dreamt about him and that he was still here and I just want to goto sleep into one of those dreams forever.

R.I.P Jesse, you were an amazing dog, I love you and I always will, I'm so sorry.